Top 10 Techniques to Piss off a Vegan/Vegetarian

From time to time I get slagged by my friends and co-workers for being a vegan nut-job. But frankly none of them are very good at it, so I thought I’d put together this guide on the top 10 techniques (in no particular order) on how to really get under the skin of a veggie and infuriate them.

Number 1: The Inquisiton

While eating a meal at work or wherever ask “Oh are you a vegetarian!”

Now this wouldn’t be so bad except that I get asked this question practically every bloody day and it gets really tiresome. All I want to do is have my food in peace. So if you feel tempted to ask this question, just pause, breath deeply, and mind your own business.

Number 2: The Great Debate

Follow up on number 1 by saying “Why’s that then” or “I disagree/ That’s rubbish because you need milk for calcium, meat for protein etc”

Now I don’t know about other vegans/vegetarians but I’m not out to proselytise to the masses, if I win other people over to my lifestyle it will be by just living a healthy life and showing that a veggie lifestyle can be a normal healthy thing to do. I’m also not a very good live debater, I’m much better at written argument. So with this in mind I hate being forced into explaining myself and defending my ideas at a moments notice over lunchtime in front of a group of people I have to work with or deal with every day.

Again I’m just trying to eat, I don’t want an argument every time I sit down to have food, if your really concerned about the issues, then ask me later in private, or better still go off and do the research yourself, its only a few clicks away on Google.

Also before arguing with a vegetarian about calcium and protein etc, ask yourself a question: do you actually know anything about nutrition aside from what you’ve picked up as so called common sense or from milk ads singing “dem bones, dem bones need calcium and that’s a natural law” or industry sponsored food pyramid diagrams in school. Odds are you don’t so do some research first and remember one thing, meat and milk are not magical items with special mojo, they are just an organic package that contains certain nutrients. If you can eat another package that contains all your required nutrients then there’s no difference, in fact another package might even have less negative side affects. It’s the nutrients that are important not the form they come in.

Number 3: The Insult Invite

When organising a meal out for a group, put on a perplexed/annoyed face and say “Oh you’re vegetarian aren’t you”, then generally make out that they’re being a really big inconvenience, and ask them resignedly to dictate to everyone else where to eat.

Right listen all you non-veggies, just don’t worry about me okay. I’m a big boy and I learned long ago how to be a celebrity diner (i.e. don’t order from the menu). Just go ahead and select wherever you want and I’ll find something to eat, I always do.

If you do actually care about me then do some research up front and just suggest a veggie-friendly restaurant without making a big fuss or making it look like I’m making a fuss.

Number 4: The Red Faced Kerfuffle

When I’m in the restaurant and I order something you deem strange or ask the waiter to make up something for me that’s not on the menu or alter something slightly, don’t act all apologetic to the staff and look embarrassed as if I’m causing a scene.

I’m paying high enough for my food so I’ll get want I want, menus are just guidelines as far as I’m concerned.

Number 5: The Total F@#kwit

Ask a veggie “Like oh my gawd, like what do you eat”

The answer is the other five billion things that aren’t animal products. Contrary to popular belief vegetarian or vegan diets are not restricted diets, there’s a huge amount to eat including all the sweet fatty foods you love so much which can be made with vegan alternatives. Asking this question just illustrates how magnificently dumb you are when it comes to basic knowledge of food and nutrition.

Number 6: The Meaningless Apology

Just before you chow into a beef sandwich turn to a vegan/vegetarian and say “oh I’m sorry you don’t mind do you?”

Look it’s not my funeral! What you choose to eat is between you and the animals you have some proxy agent massacre and torture on your behalf, it has nothing to do with me. Anyway don’t you think it’s a bit too late to apologise when you have a carcass poised in front of your drooling cakehole. Just eat it and shut up, and we can agree to differ when it comes to the merits of wholesale industrialised slaughter for no good reason.

Number 7: The Sickly Casualty

Try looking all experienced and say “Oh I used to be vegetarian, but I got too weak and found I had a lack of energy, so I went back to meat”

Oh please, all that proves is that you were a maudlin’ spoon who dropped meat from your diet and proceeded to live on french fries and coke. You have to pay attention to your diet whether veggie or not, you only got weak because you were stupid not because a veggie diet lacks anything you need. I’ve been veggie for donkeys years and I have more energy than I ever did.

Number 8: The Concerned Parent

Upon hearing that a veggie is raising their child veggie too, proceed to act concerned and tell them how they’re forcing their ideology onto their innocent children and putting them at risk.

Eh and meat eating isn’t an ideology then? Just because its a dominant one doesn’t make it any less of a wacky ideology with all its attendant social and historical origins and justifications, and children are not a risk on a healthy veggie diet in fact their health is more at risk from the standard western diet if you ask me.

Number 9: The Wet Fish

Ask a veggie if they eat fish.

Eh.. a fish is not a fruit or vegetable or mineral. It has nervous system with pain receptors. Could it BE any simpler?

Number 10: The Whipping Boy

Imply that the only reason a male is a veggie is because his girlfriend/wife made him one, and proceed to offer him meat on the sly saying “she’ll never know!”

I can’t even dignify this one with a barbed or witty remark!