2012: Cthulhu’s In The House

Yeah baby … Cthulhu’s in the house and he’s gonna devour us all, or at least he will be come 2012, or more specifically the 21st to the 23rd of December 2012. Well it’ll be either him or one of a veritable cornucopia of evil gods or supernatural phenomenon predicted to strut their stuff on that date. You see 2012 is really shaping up to be one hell of a time for apocalypses, dimensional shifts and whatnot. There’s a host of reasons to look forward to 2012, so why not try choosing your favourite from this small selection of predictions:

• It could be that the stars are right and the Great Deep ones shall arise from R’lyeh and that …
  

  the secret priests would take great Cthulhu from His tomb to revive His subjects and resume His rule of earth. The time would be easy to know, for then mankind would have become as the Great Old Ones; free and wild and beyond good and evil, with laws and morals thrown aside and all men shouting and killing and revelling in joy.

  Once reawakened the hideous protoplasmic demon that is Cthulhu would devour us all or even worse lower our sanity points to zero! Implausible you may say, but remember

  That is not dead which can eternal lie and with strange eons even death may die

• It could be that according to the Mesoamerican long count calendar the 12th b’ak’tun shall come to a close and the 13th begin allowing us to witness the final demise of the fifth age and the dawn of the sixth as the Mayan gods led by Quetzalcoatl will return to the earth in shiny new spaceships proving claims that the Mayans may have been instructed in their wisdom by discarnate entities from Orion and the Pleiades and that contact was maintained through shamanic rituals conducted in accordance with the movements of planets and stars. Well its either that or they were just tripped out of their heads on all that ayhuasca.
• It could be that according to certain “highly reliable” “algorithms” of the Bible Code, a meteor, asteroid or comet will collide with the Earth.
• It could be that the third Antichrist will disperse his troops around the globe under the guise of aid in preparation for a possible nuclear armageddon which would initiate The Rapture^TM which take all god fearing christians to heaven and leave us poor heathens behind to sort through their mail.
• It could be that the Earth’s magnetic field will reverse and lots of hikers will get lost in the wilderness when their compasses go screwy, and I’m sure some other important things will get thrown off as well like birds and whales and stuff.
• It could be that the possible existence of dangerous positive feedback loops involving solar storms, Earth’s magnetic field, cosmic rays, hurricanes, global warming, earthquakes, and supervolcanoes that may be on the verge of erupting may all come to a head.
• It could be that elves and dwarves and other meta-humans will be born to human parents ushering in a new world of magical realism where elves driving on motorcycles wil fight cyberpunk dwarves over the spoils of globe spanning evil mega-corp zaibatsus.
• It could be that mathematical novelty theory which suggests a point of singularity, timewave zero, in which humankind will go through a great shift in consciousness may prove not to be just a load of old pseudo-scientific cobblers invented by someone who enjoyed the sixties way too much.
• It could be that “Peter the Roman”, the last pope, will appear, bringing as a result the destruction of the city of Rome and the Last Judgment. Either that or St Malachy had few too many drops of poitin.
• It could be that the return of alien “watchers” or “caretakers” who might have helped the first human civilizations with developing their technology and may have been waiting for us to reach a higher level of technological and/or social advancement will return and be really disappointed to find out that we’ve had George Bush running the planet.
• It could be that the the Olduvai cliff will begin and permanent blackouts will occur worldwide as we tumble off the precipice on the other side of “peak oil” (ehhh, witty remarks failing me, this one might actually be true).

For me, I’m looking forward to 2012 for none of these reasons. Instead what I love about 2012 is that it seems to have served as a focal point for all these wonderful ideas. Its a celebration of the creative insanity of humankind.

I love the fact that as humans we are drawn to disaster and apocalyptic calamity. Its as if there’s this wonderful part of our consciousness which automatically assumes that in the event of an an apocalypse we’ll be one of the survivors, the heroes, who despite the odds make it through by sheer strength of will and plucky determination to face a brave new exciting world. Whereas statistically speaking its much more likely we’ll be one of the crowd-scene extras suffering hot-laser-death in the first few moments and if we aren’t we’ll probably just linger for a few more months until we starve to death or die from radiation sickness or get carted off to some alien zoo to have daily anal probings.

Its because of this misplaced optimism that we really look forward to a good apocalypse as if it will be nice break and a bit of fun for all the family.

So I for one will be taking the week off before Yule 2012 to have an Apocalypse party to celebrate not the end of the world (hopefully) but our love of the end of the world.

Plus on the off chance that any of this stuff is true it could be a pretty busy week so I’d rather be at home with some beer in so I can watch the mind numbing repetitions of the same clip of the aliens landing over and over again on sky news as the reporter tries to say what they just said five minutes ago but make it sound different.

Now of course while all of this is highly implausible, its worth remembering that what we consider real may just be a tenuous assumption we make to comfort our tiny little brains for as the cthulhu-meister himself said:

Sometimes I believe that this less material life is our truer life, and that our vain presence on the terraqueous globe is itself the secondary or merely virtual phenomenon.

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far

Bearing that in mind, along with the fact that I was in the boy scouts, I think it would be prudent to be prepared just in case, so here’s some tips on how you can survive 2012:

• Learn to speak Mayan because if the gods return your gonna want to be up there networking with Quetzalcoatl and buyin’ him drinks and stuff not just getting beheaded and thrown down the steps of some blood soaked pyramid to appease him.
• Learn how to chant “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn” correctly, you’ll thank me when theres a shoggoth on your roof and be-tentacled deep ones breaking down your door.
• Join a wacky Christian religion! If however this seems like too much work, then at least get a membership card so you can flash it at the four horsemen when they come collecting for The Rapture^TM, although you may want to consider staying as the earth might get a lot more bearable after that lot are gone.
• A tin foil hat will be essential both to protect yourself from alien mind control and beam messages to outer space indicating that your neighbour has an anus much more suitable for probing than yours.
• Even if nothing happens initially, remember not to get pregnant at any point in 2012. You may think its cute to give birth to a baby elf now, but when they grow up and disown you and go to live with their own kind in some twilight elvish realm, don’t come crying to me!

Remember there’s only 1,959 shopping days to the apocalypse but if you have the items above covered you should be all set for most eventualities, so that come Yule 2012 you can have a Merry Apocalypse and a Happy Noosphere!